How to deal with difficult conversations? (Templates included)
Jeraldine Phneah
July 23, 2023
I have been working in a customer-facing role since graduation.
This experience has helped me be comfortable in uncomfortable situations.
Being a minority (female), also means that sometimes I have to deal with unwanted advances from colleagues, customers, and prospects.
I do not like being called “dear”, “darling” or intimate terms by anyone who I am not romantically interested in
At times, the solution is to ignore and respond in a matter-of-fact way. This is what I did in the example above.
However, ignoring is not always the best way.
After several practices and mistakes, I’ve picked up several communication skills to handle difficult situations.
If this is an area you’re looking to get better at, I compiled a set of templates you can use.
I will be including real-life examples so you can relate to this better:
1. How to say no
In life, it is important to be comfortable with and good at saying no.
Assertiveness is a muscle and the more you use it, the stronger you become.
I am not a people pleaser and never agree to do something I don’t want just to make people happy.
However, just saying no sometimes can upset others.
So, this is the framework I use:
Example: Your colleague asks you to attend a 2-hour meeting to brainstorm on something which is not part of your job; does not contribute to KPI or improve your visibility.
Hey, I’d love to come because insert some nice to hear reasons why* (Start with the positives)
Unfortunately, I will not be able to do so because this week is quarter end and my manager has specifically requested that I focus on ____ (Provide a reason. I find using your manager is always the best excuse because people respect authority)
If you need my inputs, how about you send me the meeting minutes. I will review them and provide my feedback (Bonus: You may wish to try to give an alternative)
2. How to ask for what you want
For many of us, we find it hard to ask for what we want. We are worried about pressuring others or making them feel bad.
In life, we miss 100% of the shots we do not take.
It is key for each of us to be able to state our wants to others.
Example 1: You would like your friend to go hiking with you. However, she does not like the sun, mosquitoes, or waking up early. There is a good chance she might say no.
You really enjoy her company but don’t want her to feel pressured so it is key to 给个台阶下. This helps her to say no without feeling too bad.
If you choose to 给台阶下, You must really mean it and not push further if she chooses to reject your request.
“Heyy, do you want to come hiking with me on Sunday morning? (state what you want)
Btw, I understand if you have other priorities / do not feel it is something you might enjoy. (给个台阶下)
Grateful that you joined me previously for tennis even though you don’t usually wake up so early regardless! (good to express appreciation and show people that although they say no, you still value them).”
Example 2: Your colleague keeps pouring his work problems on you. This impacts your mood and morale.
You want to communicate boundaries but do it in a nice way without negatively impacting the working relationship.
Hi, I really appreciate you turning to me for advice and to be a listening ear and feel grateful for your trust in me (always start with appreciation and words people like to hear)
Candidly, I am feeling overwhelmed as (provide your reasons why. Appeal to their empathy by explaining your feelings)
It will be so helpful to me if you can give me some space during this period. Appreciate it so much and thank you for your understanding! (State your ask in the form of ‘helping you’ and also appreciation in advance)
3. How to end relationships gracefully
Whenever we see senior leaders resign from corporations, the reasons they always give are to “focus on health”.
Most of the time, it is because they messed up the business.
No matter how much the remaining leaders hate this person; they will still write a nice farewell mass email for them to appreciate their contribution. There are several good reasons for this:
Maintain a great reputation on both ends;
Do not upset this person so they do not leak out confidential information or talk bad about the company to the news;
Motivate him or her to do a proper handover;
The industry is small. Perhaps, they could even work together in the future.
I apply the same approach to my personal relationships: End on a good note.
In life, everyone can be helpful to you and you can help them too. We all have skills, networks, and more that we can contribute to each other’s lives.
For example, even in dating, if a guy is not compatible with you romantically, he can bring value to your life in other ways.
Since you already spent quite a several hours across a few weeks building a relationship and becoming close, why waste it?
Example: You have been on 4 dates with this guy. You like him but he is not really putting in the effort to get to know you on a deeper level. You suspect you might simply be a backup plan, like a second choice. You feel that it is in your best interest to end things.
Here is what you can say:
Hey, I really enjoy getting to know you over the past few weeks. (Start on positive note 客气话)
I’m getting the impression we might be drifting apart / you’re no longer keen to get to know each other. (Tell him what you observe) As such, I have chosen to take a step back from this.
During these 4 weeks, you’ve been so amazing and I hope we can remain as good friends. I’m grateful for the enjoyable time together and for a new friend regardless. (If you like, you can continue to praise and show appreciation)
If we cross paths in the future, please do not be a stranger! (Chart out the next steps)
You save face for everyone involved and ensure there is minimal awkwardness in the future.
Closing thoughts
Try to use soft to overcome hard. This is something I try to remind myself of. When I was younger, I was more fiery but increasingly find myself becoming more composed.
The person who is in the most control of themselves and their emotions can lead both parties to achieve a win-win outcome. Good EQ is about being able to be aware and regulate your emotions well.
Pause before typing or speaking. As Lao Tzu says “Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear?”
Try not to apologize or say sorry for stating what you want or saying no. “Sorry” when used too casually and too often becomes cheap. Furthermore, setting boundaries is something one should not be apologetic for.
Useful to be intentional about how you want to engage others. I have been increasingly deliberate in ensuring I come across as confident, rational and compassionate in all my engagements.
Do you know of someone who can benefit from this issue? Send this link to them: https://jeraldinephneah.beehiiv.com/p/dealing-with-difficult-conversations
Hit reply to let me know which point you felt was the most relevant to you.
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I create content for growth-minded individuals on accelerating our growth while staying balan ced. I discuss include work; money; health and relationships.o1/*