What does it really mean to 'work on yourself'?
Jeraldine Phneah
October 15, 2023
I chanced upon a few Reddit Thread by a men (I assume) sharing dating woes.
I hear variations of the same questions in conversations with others. The generic advice is always ”Work on yourself”.
No one actually explains what it means to work on oneself and the exact steps.
I recently chanced upon this inspirational success story by Xiao Ai (小艾) from China. I felt he was really an example of someone who worked on himself.
Two years ago, he posted online seeking advice on how to find a partner. He was on the rounder side; 170cm and worked a hard labour job for 3,000 yuan (S$573) a month.
In a span of two years, he transformed his fitness; dress sense; career and finally managed to get married.
Like Xiao Ai, here are some actionable steps you can take to work on yourself.
The lowest hanging fruit would be these three things: Physical Appearance, Social Skills and Career.
1. Improve our appearance
Looks matter. This is biology and genetics. It is important to workout as women generally would not feel physically attracted to men with higher percentage body fat and lower muscle mass.
In addition to working out, one can consider other small measures that would lead to huge outcomes. This includes investing in a good hair cut that actually suits your face shape; some good quality clothes and dressing well for your body type.
Most local men struggle with ACNE. If you have an acne issue, I highly recommend AHA BHA Face Wash by Hada Labo which our NTU Science professor recommended to us.
AHAs work on the surface of your skin, they're great for treating surface pimples like whiteheads and blackheads. BHAs work underneath the surface to unclog pores and heal cystic acne more quickly.
If you struggle with acne scars, products with retinol are scientifically proven to improve this.
Every guy I know who works in job with long hours have dry skin, if this is you, invest in a good dermatologically tested moisturiser.
I feel like in life, there is really a lot of value to improving how one looks. It helps for career and also for personal life. There are only wins. This is one of the best investment in one’s youth.
2. Develop good social skills
This means posture; manners and the way you communicate.
One thing I did early on was really to observe the body language of leaders when they spoke, tonality and tried to imitate them.
I would practice when I was speaking to leaders at work and also later on in conferences.
After copying people for a while, I eventually developed my own style.
I also intentionally put myself in circles with a lot of driven people. This helped me pick up mannerisms; etiquette and the right attitudes.
3. Grow your career
The number one quality I hear from women that are in my circle which they like is “drive” and someone who “knows what he wants” from relationships and career.
Would encourage everyone to really get in touch with your own emotions to define what you really want to achieve in your life.
In the path to success, there are little shortcuts. It is important not to engage in short term strategies like gambling, trading, buying hype stocks - really try to build something meaningful and put yourself in a better position in life.
You will become more attractive and also happier because your life would have more meaning.
Professor Scott Galloway also recently gave similar advice for young men on how to make more money, become more attractive and what masculinity means. Highly recommend you to watch the Youtube Video.
As a young person, we have a lot more time and this can all be used meaningfully.
Why wouldn’t you want to give yourself the best chance for success in your personal life and career in your 20s and 30s?
Good romantic and career opportunities cannot be left to luck alone. Increasing your attractiveness can improve your odds significantly
The truth is that we make repeated choices in life that become habits, those habits determine our paths, and those paths determine our outcomes.
3 Lessons this week
I had the pleasure of meeting Eric Bahn, Co-Founder of Hustle Fund and formed a good impression of him. He came across as humble; open; good at storytelling and someone with depth. In terms of charisma and social skills, Eric is one of the best I’ve met.
This week, he shared an interview he did . I felt inspired and energized after reading it.
These are three points which stood out to me:
💡 Thinking long term when it comes to relationships by keeping in touch with talented driven people with integrity
“But life is more of a multi-turn transaction. It's not about just one interaction or one venture. From our time working together, I've come to see you as a founder with remarkable talent and integrity.
So regardless of the outcome of one particular project, I know that you have a promising trajectory ahead. Whether we invest in your next venture or not, just being in each other's sphere assures me that something special is bound to happen.”
💡 When bad things happen, reframe them as a blessing and opportunity to equip yourself with the right habits for the rest of your life
“Jessica said, "First and foremost, I truly believe we can improve your condition." She then said, "The journey to your recovery will involve re-educating yourself about nutrition and adopting healthier habits, particularly around exercise and diet. Eric, you're in your early thirties. The silver lining here is that if we can navigate through this challenge, you'll be equipped with these beneficial habits for potentially the next 70 years of your life."
💡 Having high EQ is important as a leader
“We see these figures like Steve Jobs, who while undoubtedly a visionary, was an asshole. Yet, we often celebrate these personalities, justifying their behaviors by saying, 'That's just how you achieve greatness.’ …
I want people to look up to other great leaders who have high EQ. And then I want that to be the norm of what we strive towards. And this is what kind of pulls me down sometimes is when, like we get a little bit to idolize an asshole who does well.
Because if you dig into that, the way they got there was actually harming and stepping on a lot of people along the way. I don’t think we have to do it that way.”
When bad things happen to innocent people
I found myself not in the best emotional state this week because of the happenings in Israel.
Before joining AlphaSense, I was at Spot. Spot was an Israeli startup before acquisition. My previous manager is Israeli and so are many of the colleagues I used to work closely with. We spoke on a daily basis.
At time of writing this, the death toll is 1300. The stories I read were particularly heartbreaking.
I imagined myself and my friends at a music festival; enjoying the ambience, and then having to run away from terrorists. It was simply frightening to see how Hamas Turned an Israeli Music Festival Into a Massacre. I just returned from Hustle Camp last month and imagined if the same thing happened and seeing my friends slaughtered, that would be so truamatizing.
Another story which I felt disturbed by was the kidnapping of an 85 year open elderly grandma and murder of several babies. This hit me hard as I am close to my grandparents. If anyone kidnapped my grandma, I will burn their city to the ground if I had the same military resources.
It is unfortunate that despite what Israel faced, there was so much anti-semitism that was going on and justifying or explaining the attack on Israel. My views on this type of insensitive responses are similar to that of what was discussed in All-In Podcast.
"Hamas’ attack on Israel – attacking and massacring civilians is a massive terrorist attack. The kidnapping and unjustified murder of children – the acts of cruelty are shocking, and horrifying…
And this extreme violence must be condemned in clear, unequivocal terms."
I sat down this week to reflect on my own emotional responses. Here is what I concluded:
“It is good to be compassionate and to care about things in this world beyond myself. However, I also need to accept that a lot of what happens is out of my control.”
I decided to focus instead on what I can control. 行动胜于言辞.
Rather than feel frustrated, I decided to donate to Magen David Adom in Israel (their version of Red Cross) to help the wounded. Another option for donation is the Israel Emergency Fund.
After all, words are the cheapest thing in this world. It is action that can really make a difference.
Hope that this situation will get better 🪷
I am a a tech worker and Millennial content creator who shares ideas on how we can accelerate our growth while staying balanced.
Topics I cover include work; money; relationships and balance. Forward this email to a friend if you feel they’d benefit from this article.